30 Day Writing Challenge – Day 13

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Day 13 – Something That You Are Currently Worrying About

I am naturally a stressed person. I get so unbelievably stressed over everything and sometimes it makes things incredibly difficult to deal with. My body has a really terrible way of dealing with the stress too, and it is often crippling.

There are so many things I’m worried about, every second of every day. Some things are big and life-changing and some are little and insignificant in the grand scheme of things but that doesn’t really make much of a difference in how I deal with it. The long and short of it is that I don’t know how to deal with it, I never have, and it tends to fluctuate in its severity. But it hasn’t reached this level since I was 15. At the moment it’s bad.

Have you ever tried to explain to someone what goes on in your head? Have you ever tried to explain how you actually feel to another person? I do understand how ridiculous it all sounds which makes all of it even harder because it doesn’t make sense to feel this thermonuclear towards EVERYTHING but that just seems to be my life now. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 17 and have been on and off tablets since. I’ve done some research online about the illnesses, purely because I want to know what I’m up against. It was never really talked about by my doctors, just expected that I accept the diagnosis and carry on. I’m currently on taking tablets again to curb the physical side effects (vomiting, shaking, chest pain, headaches) of the stress and anxiety I put myself under and they’re helping. Sometimes when it’s really bad the side effects still show face despite the tablets but it’s better for the most part.

So for this prompt. The big change in my life right now is that I am changing job. Again. Currently, I’m working as a barista (which is hilarious because I don’t even like coffee, like, not even a little bit) and in a few days, I’m not going to be a barista anymore. It’s not a similar shift either; I’m completely moving out of the catering industry and moving into secretarial work. Other than a brief time as a community carer (which I loved doing but made myself so ill stressing over the work), I’ve always worked within the catering industry. So this is totally different for me, all completely new. I’m excited because this job offers me so many opportunities to have time to be me and do what I need to do. A 9-5 job means that I get to develop a sleeping pattern, that I get to spend time with my fiance because I feel like we never see each other, I get to have dinner each day because I won’t be finishing at stupid times anymore. It’s such small things that you take for granted until your unable to experience. The advantages to the move job really outweigh the cons but I can’t help but amplify the impact that the disadvantages to the move will have on my life.

I’m not worried about not being able to cope with the work, I don’t doubt my abilities that much (I’m only going to be working in a reception). I’m worried about never being able to get comfortable in a workplace. I’m worried that I’m going to struggle with every place I work. I’m worried I’m going to be stuck in this infinite loop of switching job every few months because I can’t deal with the stress. At the moment, the thought of walking into the coffee shop I work in makes me want to puke. It’s the smallest things that get to me the worst to the point of hysteria. I have to ignore my phone and force myself to think specifically of other things just so I don’t start to stress about work. I can’t sleep because I dream about it. I’m negative and cynical and miserable. When I’m at work, I stress about work. When I’m not at work, I still stress about work. This isn’t a life, and it sure as hell isn’t living. So I know I have to get out of the catering industry because it is killing me. But what if it’s going to be the same everywhere I go? What if I just keep moving from one shit show to another? I can’t keep doing this.

Tomorrow is Friday which means I’m training for my new job. Monday I start there full-time which means that I have broken free of the catering industry. I can’t do anything but try. Onwards towards something new. Onwards towards something better.

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